You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
