she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
