you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
