If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
