I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
