whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
