dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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