I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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