you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
