Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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