My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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