He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
