Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
