i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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