I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
