i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
