I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize