Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
