to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize