My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
