We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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