Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
