Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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