i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
