Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
