I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
