Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
