she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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