I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
