she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
