My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
