Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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