$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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