the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
