my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sorry about my life...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
