Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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