remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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