11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
