When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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