Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize