You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
