the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
