ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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