I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I lost the right to judge tonight
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
