Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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