i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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