my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
