nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just forgot I was standing up.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
