apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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