Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
