would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
