omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
