Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
