i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you never un-have a 4some
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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