Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
