Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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