You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
