I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
