I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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