Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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