sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
