Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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