At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
