She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
