I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
