I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
