Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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