I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
